Freeway Frolics Expanded!
by alocin
Summary: Once upon a time there was a parody of a mere fifteen minutes of Reloaded, then it started to grow...
1. Chapter 1 Freeway Frolics

Rightyho welcome to another parody of Reloaded. But don't worry this is only a mini-parody because I have very limited motivation and its quite a long film! So in actual fact welcome to a parody of the Freeway scene (and the bit just before it). Thank you to the insane people on the ATS board for fuelling my madness.  
  
Disclaimer: All I own is a small glow in the dark duck named Toby. And you are not getting him - he is mine! So yeah I don't own the Matrix at all. Duh. Did anyone think I did? Is my name Mr Moneybags? I think not. So on we go.  
  
(While Neo is busy having a very one-side fight with the Merovingian's miscellaneous vampire hench guys, the Keymaker has run through about thirty odd doors on his way to the garage.)  
  
Morpheus: (shouting at Keymaker) Geez were you born in a barn? (shuts the doors behind him)  
  
Trinity: For a guy with such little legs he sure runs fast  
  
Keymaker: (fiddling with the last door) Always another way  
  
(meanwhile Twin One starts to phase up through the floor, Trinity runs right through his head)  
  
One: Hey! Watch where the hell you are treading!  
  
Morpheus: (distracted by armour) Ooh shiny.  
  
Keymaker: Shut the door! Quickly!  
  
Morpheus: Wait for me! (runs through door)  
  
One: (jams arm through opening of door) Ha! Now what are you gonna do?  
  
(Trinity shoots Twin One in the arm repeatedly)  
  
One: (calmly) That hurts more than we are letting on you know  
  
(Twin Two arrives slightly late)  
  
Two: Sorry bro we had to answer the call of nature  
  
One: We didn't need to know that. Now could we get a bloody move on?  
  
(Two phases and runs at the door, but trips over his coat and goes flying though it. He manages to land in a forward roll and make it look like it was planned.)  
  
Two: (straightens coat) We meant to do that  
  
(Trinity wastes some bullets shooting at Two who just phases out of the way)  
  
Two: You are just jealous because we have more feminine looking hair than you  
  
Morpheus: (sniggers)  
  
Trinity: Growl!  
  
Morpheus: Eeep!  
  
(Trinity runs at Two who does some cool twisty stabby things with his shiny cut throat razor, which ultimately results in him holding it about half an inch from her jugular vein)  
  
Two: Step away from the door  
  
(Morpheus does, allowing One to come through it. He examines his arm.)  
  
One: (to Trinity) You whore! Look at what the f**k you did to our coat! Do you know how much that cost? And blood just never comes out.  
  
Two: Erm, bro? Phasing?  
  
One: (shifty eyes) We knew that. We were just testing. (phases arm and coat back to original state) Just like new!  
  
(meanwhile the Keymaker has run off and is attempting to work out which key among his about three zillion opens the door of the car he is next to. While the Twins are distracted Morpheus gets his gun out and shoots at Two who phases to avoid the bullets, thus releasing Trinity)  
  
Morpheus: (to Trinity) Follow that hobbit key guy!  
  
(Morpheus gets out his sword that he stole from the shiny armour and brandishes it at the Twins, who look distinctly unimpressed)  
  
Two: And that is supposed to hurt us how? We can phase to avoid it!  
  
Morpheus: Quiet you! I want to play with my pretty shiny sword. So have at you!  
  
(There is a brief cool but pointless fight with lots of swishy swordness and razor stabbing, which give the Keymaker enough time to figure out which key opens the car)  
  
Trinity: (to Keymaker) Get in the back  
  
Keymaker: Why? I want to drive! I'm the one with the keys!  
  
Trinity: I doubt your stubby legs can reach the pedals. Get in the back  
  
Keymaker: (sulks but gets in the back) You are so mean to me.  
  
(Trinity drives past the fight and Morpheus takes the opportunity to leave, jumping in through one of the windows. The Twins are not pleased.)  
  
One: They are reasonably quickly getting away!  
  
(Two phases over to just in front of the car, and gets ready to stab Trinity as she passes by. But having no physical form the car just drives straight through him)  
  
Two: Damn. That didn't work quite how we intended it to  
  
(The Twins get a big SUV and drive off in pursuit of Trinity, Morpheus and the Keymaker)  
  
Morpheus: (on phone to Link) Get us an exit  
  
Link: Well there is one. but no, you wouldn't want to use it.  
  
Morpheus: We are in a bit of a situation here Link (dodges bullets being fired at them from the following Twins) We will take what we can get.  
  
Link: I really don't think you would like it though. I mean I do trust you and all but.  
  
Morpheus: Link just give us the damn exit! We don't have time for your pointless character development right now!  
  
Link: Okley dokely there's one just off the freeway. By the way there's a dozen or so police cars after you, and oh yeah some Agents. Well cheerio! (hangs up)  
  
Trinity: You always told me to stay off the freeway (dodges more bullets) You said it was suicide.  
  
Morpheus: Well yes, but then I am usually wrong. I mean look at that Prophecy crap I was going on about for so long. That was all wrong!  
  
Trinity: (whispering) We're not supposed to know that yet! Neo doesn't meet the Architect till the end of the film!  
  
Morpheus: Oops. Anyway. Forwards! To the freeway!  
  
(a convoy soon develops with Trinity weaving in and out of cars followed closely by the Twins who have several police cars behind them. Agents then take over the cops in the leading police car)  
  
Agent Johnson: We have them. The exile is the primary target.  
  
Agent Thompson: (looks in glove compartment) Ooh donuts.  
  
(Twin Two is having a lot of fun shooting out various cars that get in their way.)  
  
Two: Boom! And another one's gone, another one's gone.  
  
One: Try aiming at the people driving the car we are after!  
  
Two: Stop bossing us around! You are only 0.002 seconds older than us. It is our turn with the gun so we get to decide who to shoot. (shoots at another random car making it flip over) We love being bad guys.  
  
One: (takes gun off Two) Stop playing around and go and get the Keymaker!  
  
(Two sighs and phases at the car with the Keymaker in it, landing in the backseat next to him. He grabs his arm)  
  
Two: Come on midget, we are taking you back to the Merovingian  
  
(Morpheus does not seem to think this is a good idea. He communicates this to Two by trying to shoot him in the head. However the Keymaker is in the way. A scuffle ensues, resulting in Two having his arm entangled in the seatbelt and Morpheus punching him in the face.)  
  
Two: Oww! Get off me you bald gap-toothed freak! (slaps Morpheus with his free arm)  
  
Morpheus: You are you calling a freak? Have you looked in the mirror recently? (tries to stab Two with his sword)  
  
Two: I'm a vampire - I don't have a reflection! Idiot! (cuts his way free of the seatbelt and tries to slice Morpheus's ear off)  
  
Trinity: (to Keymaker) You don't seem to be helping in your escape much!  
  
Keymaker: (sulky) That's because you were mean to me  
  
(meanwhile the police car with the Agents in it has moved closer and Agent Thompson decides now would be a good time to try out this really good move he has been practicing)  
  
Agent Thompson: Watch this guys! It's gonna be really cool!  
  
(Agent Thompson climbs onto the roof of the police car and then jumps over onto yet another random car, squishing it ever so slightly and making it flip, leading to another explosion)  
  
Random Car Driver's last thought: I wonder if my motor insurance is gonna cover this.  
  
(Agent Thompson then jumps onto the bonnet of the car with the action going on in it)  
  
Agent Thompson: Wow! That is the first time that actually worked! Go me! (gets a tin opener out and creates a new sunroof for the car) Hello in there?  
  
(Morpheus greets Agent Thompson by attempting to shoot him, which is useless because he just does the cool bullet-dodging Agent move. Trinity decides to be sensible and slam on the brakes, thus sending Agent Thompson rolling across the freeway. He looks slightly annoyed. The others don't notice this because they are still dealing with Twin Two)  
  
Morpheus: Get that razor off me! It's not like I need a haircut!  
  
Two: You've got that right baldy!  
  
Morpheus: Don't call me that!  
  
(Morpheus tries to stab Two with sword again, and is more effective. Two phases to avoid the blade and ends up floating out of the car. He is picked up by One as he drives past)  
  
Two: We are getting aggravated  
  
One: Yes we are  
  
Two: Because people keep saying we are pointless. When we are not. I mean look at our hair! We are cool.  
  
One: Yes we are  
  
Two: And we, Twin Two are the best  
  
One: Yes we. Hey! No WE, Twin One are the best! (slaps Two)  
  
Two: No! We are! (pulls One's hair)  
  
(a full-on cat fight breaks out in the Twins SUV, leading to them swerving all over the road. They head straight for Morpheus who is standing by the now ruined remains of the car)  
  
Morpheus: Trinity get him out of here!  
  
Trinity: (spots shiny Motorbike truck) Come on shorty  
  
(Trinity grabs the Keymaker by his collar and jumps with him off the bridge on to the truck. Morpheus is left standing there in the path of the speeding SUV with the Twins still fighting inside)  
  
Two: We are!  
  
One: We are! We are the oldest.  
  
(Morpheus jumps out of the way just in time (A/N dammit. so close) and slices his sword along the side of the vehicle, really messing the paintwork up. Being an unstable and probably not very fuel efficient SUV, it immediately flips. Morpheus then FINALLY uses some bullets effectively and shoots the petrol tank out, making a really big explosion)  
  
One: (flying away) Awww craaaap!  
  
Two: (flying away) We are we saaaaayyyy!  
  
Trinity: Ooh big explosion. I wonder if I get to be captain now? I can hope. (notices Keymaker) Problem?  
  
Keymaker: (shakes head quickly)  
  
Trinity: Good. Now which bike shall we steal? (picks one and starts to hotwire it)  
  
Keymaker: (hands her the key) Here you go  
  
Trinity: Wow if I ever decide to go in for a life of crime I know who to call (starts bike with a roar) I love my job  
  
(Trinity rides it off the truck, to the slight surprise of the driver)  
  
Driver: My boss is never gonna believe me. (resigns from his job and dies a few years later, a broken man)  
  
(Trinity with her little mascot-like Keymaker proceeds to dodge in and out of the traffic in a precarious fashion)  
  
Keymaker: (worried) Can't I have a crash helmet? Please?  
  
(Agent Johnson tries to squash them with a truck, but the motorbike turns out to be slightly more manoeuvrable and they dart away now going against the flow of traffic)  
  
Keymaker: (whimper)  
  
Trinity: Oh don't be such a cry-baby (spots Morpheus approaching on the top of another truck) This is your stop anyway  
  
(Morpheus, perched on his sword stuck in the side of the truck, grabs the Keymaker and throws him up on to the top)  
  
Keymaker: (looking winded) Oww  
  
Morpheus: (sings) Riding along on the top of a truck.  
  
(Agent Johnson chooses this moment to jump off a bridge and join them on the truck)  
  
Morpheus: Get down. I know you are quite low down anyway, but get down further.  
  
Agent Johnson: Why Mister. erm. Morpheus. We meet at least.  
  
Morpheus: And you are?  
  
Agent Johnson: A. Johnson. Hang on a minute, I think we've got the wrong scripts (swaps scripts) Ahh this is right - yeah I don't do much talking. So carry on.  
  
(Morpheus kicks him in the head and battle commences. Punches and kicks are exchanged, and Morpheus almost falls off the truck, grabbing hold of Agent Johnson's tie to hang on to)  
  
Agent Johnson: Argh! Let go of my tie! (punches him) Not the tie - never the tie!  
  
(Agent Johnson neatly tucks his tie back in and continues the fight. Almost falling off again, Morpheus grabs his sword out of the side of the truck and swipes at Agent Johnson, neatly cutting his dear tie)  
  
Agent Johnson: (sobs) My tie! My lovely Agenty tie and special Agent tie clip! You bastard!  
  
(driven to a rage Agent Johnson pushes Morpheus off the back of the truck. He lands on top of the car Niobe and Ghost are following in, making a really quite large dent in their bonnet and breaking the windscreen)  
  
Niobe: (pissed) Awww man my wheels! You are so paying for that to be mended!  
  
Morpheus: (clinging onto the car) Technically it is that Agent's fault - he pushed me!  
  
Niobe: Go kick his ass. And then send him the bill for this!  
  
Agent Johnson: (to Keymaker) And now you will be deleted  
  
Keymaker: Eep! Nazgul! Duh'I mean Agent!  
  
(Morpheus jumps back onto the truck and barrels into Agent Johnson, knocking him flying off of the truck)  
  
Morpheus: Ha-ha! Now who's falling off the truck?!  
  
(Agent Johnson takes over the driver of the truck and Agent Thompson takes over the driver of another truck heading the same way)  
  
Morpheus: Oh crap.  
  
(Agent Thompson drives his truck into the back of Niobe's car)  
  
Niobe: Dammit! (sticks her head out the window) I am sending the bill to your boss! Yeah Colonel Saunders guy is gonna hear of this! And it's coming out of your paycheck!  
  
(back on top of the truck things are not looking good. It seems as if another giant Matrix-style fireball is imminent and Morpheus and the Keymaker are getting front row seats)  
  
Keymaker: I should have stayed with the Merovingian. At least he didn't call me short and my little dungeon cell was safe!  
  
Morpheus: If you are up there save us Superman! Duh'I mean Neo!  
  
Agent Thompson: (evil smirk)  
  
Agent Johnson: (evil smirk)  
  
Trucks: BOOM!  
  
(Morpheus and the Keymaker go flying in quite a comical fashion while the trucks crumple up and then all around them turns into a giant fireball. Neo dramatically sweeps in and drags them out of it, and then presumably takes Morpheus away to the exit. What happens to the Keymaker, a program who cannot exit the Matrix is never clearly explained. I guess they just left him somewhere until they plugged back in. And then of course later he gets shot and dies. Poor guy. He really should have stayed with Mero.)  
  
And thus ends the mini-parody of the Freeway scene and that bit just before it. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did then good. I'm glad. If you didn't well. tough luck. 


	2. Chapter 2 Post Freeway Frolics

Hey a couple of months ago I did a parody of the Freeway scene in Reloaded, which was fun to do. Now in my insanity I felt like doing the rest of Reloaded after that ended, so I have. Yay! Is anyone yaying? Okay just me then. Here is the project of my deranged mind, and possibly too much cheese...  
  
*  
  
Disclaimer: I still own Toby the glow in the dark duck, but little else. Some marmalade and a packet of digestives. That's about it. I certainly don't own the Matrix, but once my Koala legions return from their mission to hunt down the copyright owners all that may change insert evil smirk.  
  
* *  
  
Keymaker: In a dark, dark city there is a dark, dark building. And in the dark, dark building there is a dark, dark level, which no dark, dark stair can reach. This dark, dark level is filled with many doors, but one door is special.  
  
Neo: I'm special.  
  
Keymaker: (ignoring him) That door leads to the Source. But every alarm triggers the bomb.  
  
Vector: Did he say bomb?  
  
Keymaker: Yes I did say bomb. And don't talk about me like I'm not here. I might just be a program, but I have feelings too you know. Anyway, the system has a weakness...  
  
Morpheus: (interrupts) Electricity! See, I got to say something.  
  
Keymaker: If one fails, so must the other.  
  
Ghost: I hate to be the voice of reason...  
  
Niobe: (snorts) Yeah, of course you do.  
  
Ghost: ...but you'd have to take out a whole city block to kill the power to a building like that.  
  
Keymaker: Not just one. Twenty-seven.  
  
Vector: Twenty-seven blocks?  
  
Trinity: Are you deaf or just not listening?  
  
Vector: (shuts up)  
  
Keymaker: The power station must be destroyed.  
  
Niobe: What about the failsafe?  
  
Keymaker: The core network of the grid must be accessed and the emergency system deactivated.  
  
Soren: Then what do you need us for? We are but minor incidental characters, and Neo could take 'em both out easier than we could.  
  
Keymaker: Niobe and Ghost need something interesting to do for Enter the Matrix, and the script specifies that disposable minor characters be used to deactivate the failsafe. You do not need to know why at this point.  
  
Soren: That is not entirely reassuring...  
  
Keymaker: Anyway, there is no time. Once the door is unprotected, various things to do with connections must happen.  
  
Ghost: How long will take take?  
  
Keymaker: Exactly 314 seconds.  
  
Soren: Just over five minutes.  
  
Trinity: Congratulations, you have mastered basic division.  
  
Keymaker: That is the length, breadth, height, depth and volume of the window. Only The One can open the door, and only during that window can the door be opened.  
  
Neo: I open a door through a window?  
  
Trinity: I will draw you some pictures and explain later, dear.  
  
Niobe: How do you know all this?  
  
Keymaker: I know because I must know. It is my purpose. Also I have a complete copy of the script.  
  
(Morpheus begins reaching for the script but the Keymaker notices and glares at him. Morpheus covers it up by pretending to scratch at his nose)  
  
Keymaker: All must be done as one. If one fails, all fail.  
  
(Cut to the Neb, Trinity walks in to talk with Neo who is looking confused)  
  
Trinity: Didn't my drawings make sense? That one that looks like it's wearing a dress - that's supposed to be you, and the one with the hair is...  
  
Neo: No, Trin, I get the plan. I understand.  
  
Trinity: (disbelieving) You do? Look I know something is wrong, you don't have to tell me...  
  
Neo: I want to ask you to do something, but I don't know how.  
  
Trinity: All sorts of disturbing images come to mind, but I'll let you continue.  
  
Neo: What if I asked you to stay out of this. To stay out of the Matrix.  
  
Trinity: (suspicious) Why?  
  
Neo: Please.  
  
Trinity: Well I don't actively have a death wish, so okay.  
  
*  
  
(Cut back to the Matrix from the beginning scene)  
  
Morpheus: Now I get to do the talking! At midnight there is a shift change in the security of both buildings.  
  
(Image of dozing Photography Director pretending to be a security guard)  
  
Morpheus: All our lives we have fought this war. Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident - there are no accidents. As long as you use protection that is.  
  
Trinity: Morpheus, stick to the point.  
  
Morpheus: Fine. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance when I see three objectives, three captains, three ships come sailing in, come sailing in on Christmas day in the. (notices Trinity's glare) I do not see coincidence, I see providence. (puts on very bad French accent) Dis iz cauzality - we cennot ezcape eet. We are forever slavez to eet.  
  
(The Merovingian appears and slaps him)  
  
Mero: Stop ztealing my linez!  
  
(The Merovingian disappears again)  
  
Morpheus: Erm... where was I? Ah yes, providence. This is destiny. It is our purpose. It defines us, guides us, binds us...  
  
(An Agent Smith appears and slaps him)  
  
Smith: Those are our lines!  
  
(The Agent Smith disappears again)  
  
Morpheus: I give up. It's in the script apparently, so we are going to do it.  
  
Niobe: (sighs)  
  
Morpheus: Yes, Niobe?  
  
Niobe: Well to put it quite frankly, what if you are just a lunatic who believes in a load of crap?  
  
Morpheus: Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how will that be different from any other day?  
  
Niobe: (sarcastic) You really know how to motivate people.  
  
Morpheus: Death can come for us at any time, in any place.  
  
(Neo looks around nervously but Death does not seem to be about to appear, so he calms down again)  
  
Morpheus: This is a war and we are soldiers. What if I am right? What if the prophecy is true? What if tomorrow the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth dying for?  
  
(Everyone absorbs this)  
  
Morpheus: Isn't anyone going to answer any of my many questions? No? Well let's just get started then.  
  
*  
  
(Cut to Soren's team moving to the failsafe building, and Niobe to the power station)  
  
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker wait for midnight in an office block)  
  
(Meanwhile in the Real World some sentinels are playing catch with bombs)  
  
Sentinel # 1: Oops! I missed that one...  
  
(The bomb heads for the Vigalant)  
  
Jax: Twelve minutes.  
  
Axel: Incoming! Incoming!  
  
(Both die in a complex fate-setting-up way even before the bomb hits)  
  
Axel: Oww... I had a better part in ETM you know... (dies)  
  
(Blood drips dramatically down the Matrix screens, then the bomb hits and they explode)  
  
(Inside the Matrix Soren and his team suddenly realise why the script needed disposable characters for their job, and they fall over dead in a quite comical yet disturbing fashion)  
  
(Niobe blows the power station up and Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker enter the hallway of doors)  
  
*  
  
(Back out on the Neb, Link and Trinity are monitoring the situation)  
  
Link: They are still inside, but...  
  
Trinity: They're not moving. If they are taking a nap they are in big trouble.  
  
Link: I think they're dead.  
  
Trinity: They'd better be. Call Neo.  
  
Link: I can't - lost them. They're inside the portal - magic door - thingy.  
  
Trinity: What about the grid?  
  
Link: Everything's still operational. It's already rerouting power. As soon as they open that door, it's all over. Boom. Kablamo. So-long, bye-bye, they'll kick the bucket and be pushing up daisies...  
  
Trinity: The hell they will.  
  
(Trinity starts setting up to go into the Matrix)  
  
Trinity: I will not stand here and do nothing. At least plugged in I will be sitting down. I will not wait here to watch them die.  
  
Link: Trinity, we're talking less then 314 seconds here. Not even five minutes.  
  
Trinity: Well done, you can do simple division too. In five minutes I'll tear that whole goddamn building down.  
  
*  
  
(Meanwhile someone has been rather bored. The scene: a long white corridor with many identical doors and indeed also many identical inhabitants)  
  
Smith # 17: (reading from a magazine) ...and pick the answer which matches you the best. In your spare time you most enjoy a) Watching television, b) DIY or c) Shopping.  
  
Smith # 12: Does shopping for ties count, would you have thought?  
  
Smith # 17: The article does not specify.  
  
(There are general murmurs of agreement for option B from the other Smiths)  
  
Smith # 17: Question two. Your friends are most likely to describe you as a) Humorous, b) Driven or c) Compassionate. It does not specify but I believe that co-workers would come under the definition of "friends", or we will have to skip this question.  
  
Smith # 26: Well options A and C do not seem probable. However Agent Jones often remarked that we were highly focused on our tasks.  
  
(There are more murmurs all in favour of option B)  
  
Smith # 17: Question three. The film you most enjoy watching is a) Scary Movie 2, b) Aliens or c) The Lion King.  
  
Smith # 26: I do not believe we have watched the film under option A. But in option B many humans die.  
  
(There are again murmurs in favour of option B)  
  
Smith # 12: But what about option C? The musical numbers alone make The Lion King a strong contender, surely! "The Circle of Life", "Can you feel the love tonight"?  
  
(All the other Smith's stare at Smith # 12 oddly, and murmur more loudly in favour of option B)  
  
Smith # 17: Option B it is. Finally question four. Your greatest ambition is to a) Get your own TV show, b) Become all-powerful or c) Travel the world  
  
Smith # 26: Well option A certainly seems compelling - "Smith TV".  
  
Smith # 12: Smiths on the air 24/7! Broadcasting across the world!  
  
Smith # 17: But all-powerfulness is probably more rewarding in the long run.  
  
(The other Smiths agree with option B)  
  
Smith # 17: To the answers... (turns the page over) Mostly B's. The cheese you most resemble is Gorgonzola, a strong blue-veined cheese dating back to the ninth century. People who pick Gorgonzola are likely to be ambitious and don't let problems stand in the way of their ambitions.  
  
Smith # 26: I think that sums us up quite well.  
  
Smith # 8: Remind me, why were we completing a cheese personality test?  
  
Smith # 17: "Cheese Fancier Monthly" was the only magazine any of us brought, and we have been waiting here for six hours now.  
  
Smith # 8: Reduced to finding our cheese personality... Why doesn't Mr Anderson just hurry up!?  
  
(There are noises from around the corner - a door opening)  
  
Smith # 1: Quick - get behind your doors!  
  
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker turn the corner and stop dead)  
  
Smith # 1: I'm sorry, this is a dead end. Muahahaahaha! Oh no, wait, evil laughter isn't in this film is it? Never mind, I've started now. Muahahahahaha!  
  
*  
  
(Cut to Trinity on her flashy motorbike)  
  
Trinity: Look, I am even wearing a helmet.  
  
Audience: Even while trying desperately to save Neo she has time to get the safety first message across. That is impressive.  
  
Trinity: Actually I plan to just hit some security guys with it.  
  
Audience: (uncertain) Oh...that's nice.  
  
(She rides the motorbike off a roof and into a security booth that must have been stacked to the brim with highly explosive material as it makes a very pretty fireball)  
  
Security guy: Look! She doesn't have the bike anymore and so must be defenceless - attack with merely your batons!  
  
Trinity: Eat helmet!  
  
(With the security guys now all dead, several with "Kawasaki" imprinted on their foreheads, Trinity makes her way to the computer to shutdown the system)  
  
*  
  
(Scene cuts back to the stand-off in the corridor)  
  
Smith # 1: You look surprised to see me again, Mr Anderson, that's the difference between us. I've been expecting you. We all have.  
  
Neo: What do you want, Smith? We are kind of on a schedule here.  
  
Smith # 1: Oh you haven't figured it out? Still using all the muscles except the one that matters.  
  
(Neo furrows his brow as he tries to work out if this means something rude)  
  
Smith # 1: I want exactly what you want, except for the desire to have me dead part. I want everything.  
  
Morpheus: Would that include a bullet from this gun? Damn that's used up my one cool line for this film now...  
  
Keymaker: (looks nervous) My Keymaker sense is tingling...  
  
Smith # 1: Go ahead, shoot. The best thing about being me - there's so many mes! (pauses, coughs, then repeats more loudly) There's so many mes!  
  
(The other Smiths hear their cue and open the doors, pouring out into the corridor)  
  
Smith # 1: Better late than never. Attack!  
  
(There is much fighting in the confined corridor. The Keymaker, being more sensible, slips out through one of the doors. Several Smiths grab Morpheus and hold him against the wall.)  
  
Smith # 35: If you can't beat us...  
  
Smith # 19: Join us!  
  
Smith # 12: Resistance is futile.  
  
Smith # 35: (glaring at #12) Stop that.  
  
Smith # 12: Sorry.  
  
(The Smiths plunge their hands into Morpheus and start to Smithify him. Morpheus starts to turn into a Smith, but something is wrong. The process seems to be creating a bizarre Smith-Morpheus hybrid with a large gap in his teeth)  
  
Smith # 19: No! It is horrible! Argh!  
  
(The Smiths stop the process and back away, wiping their hands on their jackets)  
  
Morpheus: (back to normal) Ha! My freakiness defeats you!  
  
(Smiths all pull out their guns)  
  
Morpheus: Meep...  
  
*  
  
(Two men enter the room with Soren's dead crew in it)  
  
Tech guy: (squeaky tech-guy voice) What the hell happened here?  
  
(Trinity enters)  
  
Security guy: (chauvinist type voice) Hold it right there little lady...  
  
(She whacks them over the head with her helmet and removes them as a problem. The she taps away at the computer, working to shut down the system. If she wasn't wearing gloves it might have gone more quickly)  
  
Trinity: Almost there...done!  
  
(The system starts to shut off all the emergency power)  
  
*  
  
(The Keymaker reappears from a door next to the special door. He opens it just as the power is shut off. The Smiths notice.)  
  
Smiths: Kill them!  
  
(Neo grabs Morpheus and files off down the corridor and through the door. The Keymaker shuts it just as Smith fires)  
  
Smith # 17: That did not go according to plan.  
  
Smith # 19: Lets go Smithify the rest of the people in the Matrix then.  
  
Smith # 12: Sounds like fun.  
  
(Neo and Morpheus stand up, uninjured, only to notice that the Keymaker has been shot several times)  
  
Keymaker: It was meant to be. Morpheus - that door will take you home. Neo - you'll know which door this key is for. But to give you a hint, it's the big glowing one.  
  
(The Keymaker seems to die, Neo and Morpheus look sad then go to do their tasks. Once they have left the Keymaker stands back up)  
  
Keymaker: Kevlar is very useful (removes bullet-proof vest) Ha, think I'm that easy to kill? I had read the script in advance!  
  
(He goes through another door and uses one of his keys to "borrow" a Mercedes. He was last seen heading for California. Good luck to him)  
  
Neo: Hmm big glowing door. Yup this must be the right one  
  
(Neo puts the key in the lock and stands there looking impassive as everything turns to light. His only thoughts: "Good job I wore my sunglasses today")  
  
*  
  
(The light turns into a little star, then a star field on just one of many television screens. The screens all switch to a new view)  
  
TV's: It's the Itchy and Scratchy Shoooow!  
  
Voice: Oops, wrong button  
  
(The screens now show many Neos. The real Neo stands in the room of televisions looking at a chair. The chair spins around to reveal a man commonly mocked as looking remarkably like Colonel Sanders from KFC)  
  
KFC-guy: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo: Who are you?  
  
KFC-guy: I am the Architect.  
  
Neo: Oh yeah? Well do you have one of those drawing-board things?  
  
Architect: Yes I do.  
  
(He gestures to a corner of the room where there is an architect's drawing board and many blueprints)  
  
Neo: Oh...  
  
Architect: I created the Matrix, and I came up with the concept of pop-up adverts on the Internet.  
  
Neo: You bastard!  
  
Architect: They are my one regret. I never knew they would get so out of hand. But back to the Matrix and the more important topics - I have been waiting for you.  
  
Neo: Why am I here? And why pop-up adverts? Why?!  
  
Architect: Pop-up adverts are now only to be discussed through my lawyer. But you are here because you are an eventuality of an anomaly.  
  
Neo: (thinks) Did you just insult my mum?  
  
Architect: No. You are the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation.  
  
Neo: I think you are still insulting her (angry) Your mum is an unbalanced equation! Yeah, see how you like it.  
  
Architect: (concerned) I don't think you understand... I haven't even started on the ergo sum, concordantly vis-a-vis bit yet either.  
  
Neo: Sorry, I don't speak French.  
  
Architect: It's not French! It's Latin.  
  
Neo: What does it mean?  
  
Architect: (shifty) That doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that you are the sixth systemic anomaly.  
  
Neo: There were five mes before me? Wow. We should get together some time, have a reunion of Neos. (giggles at this idea)  
  
Architect: I can't help but believe either you are not taking this seriously or you don't understand.  
  
Neo: (blankly) I am special.  
  
*  
  
(Meanwhile Trinity is just leaving the building she was in. She gets to the lift, but unfortunately there is Agent Thompson inside waiting for her)  
  
Agent T: Hello little rebel  
  
Trinity: Don't you little rebel me, mister!  
  
(Trinity kicks him in the side of the head but it has little or no effect)  
  
Trinity: Hmm I'm thinking now would be a good time to get out of this situation.  
  
Agent T: Come on little rebel, I only want to play! Let's play Agents and Rebels - you be the rebel. Ready?  
  
(He throws her through a wall)  
  
Program in charge of the wall: Hey, that was my favourite bit of plaster you just threw her through...  
  
Trinity: Oww... Damn now I've got plaster dust in my hair.  
  
Agent T: I'll give you a three second head start this time...  
  
Trinity: Suddenly jumping out that window is looking like a very attractive option.  
  
Agent T: One...two...three! Here I come!  
  
(Agent Thompson steps through the hole in the wall and Agent Jackson suddenly appears at the door)  
  
Trinity: Window it is then!  
  
(She runs across the room and leaps through the window)  
  
Agent T: Hey! That's cheating!  
  
(Agent Thompson jumps out after her and they start shooting at each other)  
  
*  
  
(Oblivious to these events Neo is now having the whole concept of the Architect presented to him in drawing form again)  
  
Neo: So stick Neo...me... goes through the pretty door on the left of the page and they press the "restart" button on Zion.  
  
Architect: Yes (he gestures with his pen) This is the good door, here on the left. However I should mention that Trinity entered the Matrix to save you blah, blah, going to die, blah blah, door on right would save her but destroy the human race blah, blah...  
  
Neo: Trinity... Could you include that option in the drawing too?  
  
(the Architect sighs but draws in a little PVC-clad figure on the right hand door, next to a picture of the human race being dissolved)  
  
Neo: Hmm... Well you know I am tempted by the door on the left, being a saviour and all, but if I pick that one and don't save her, Trinity will kill me. I'll go with the door on the right.  
  
Architect: The door that leads to the destruction of the human race?  
  
Neo: That's the one, yes.  
  
Architect: Well it's your species, your loss.  
  
(Neo heads for the left hand door)  
  
Architect: That is the left hand door you know...  
  
Neo: Whoops, always did have trouble with right and left.  
  
(He goes for the right hand door, but pauses)  
  
Neo: You don't know what the secret recipe of herbs and...  
  
Architect: (angry) NO! I do not! I also look nothing like that marketing gimmick!  
  
Neo: Sorry, I just had to ask. (he exits)  
  
Architect: (shakes head) They get more and more dumb each time.  
  
*  
  
(Neo flies out of the building with flames gathering behind him. He gets faster and faster as he shoots across the city, then realises he is going in the wrong direction and doubles back)  
  
Neo: I'm coming Trinity!  
  
(Many people are killed and buildings destroyed in the wave of destruction that follows him, but no one cares, as they are just random coppertops still plugged in to the Matrix)  
  
(Trinity is still falling, and shooting, and being shot at. However programs are obviously better at aiming whilst falling from great heights as Agent Thompson shoots her in the chest. She doesn't look pleased)  
  
(Neo files even faster and just as she is about to hit the ground he catches her. He doesn't bother catching Agent Thompson, who crashes into the car, but hey that's only another random coppertop host dead and who's counting them?)  
  
(He carries her up to the roof of a nearby building and starts his medical assessment)  
  
Neo: You've been shot.  
  
Trinity: Ten out of ten for observation there, Neo. I had to go in, the others were dead or taking a nap or something. I had to...  
  
Neo: I know. The bullet is still inside.  
  
Trinity: Neo - you do not have medical train...Oww!  
  
(Cut to code as Neo removes the bullet with all the grace of a first-week medical student)  
  
(Back on the Neb Morpheus seems to have become the ships medic now as well, and is injecting Trinity with drugs)  
  
Morpheus: 10ccs for you... 10ccs for me... (injects self) Ahh not as good as those red pills but it still hits the spot.  
  
(On the roof)  
  
Trinity: I'm sorry...(dies)  
  
Neo: Trin! Trin! You can't go - I just love you too hell damn much!  
  
(Cut to code again as Neo now restarts Trinity's heart in a manner guaranteed to make anyone drinking whilst watching spit drink out of their nose while they collapse laughing)  
  
Trinity: (gasps for air) Jesus! DO NOT do that again! We have defibrillators back on the Neb you know Neo, and they are a lot less invasive!  
  
Neo: Sorry...  
  
Trinity: But thank you. We're even now - no more coming back from the dead for either of us, deal?  
  
Neo: I guess they can only write our deaths in so many times!  
  
(Somewhere in the Matrix an Agent Smith has got a hold of some of the Revolutions script and is chuckling evily)  
  
*  
  
(Later back in the Real World on the Neb)  
  
Neo: ...so then he showed me in all these drawings, and Zion is going to be destroyed in 24 hours and the Prophecy was all made up.  
  
Morpheus: (calmly) I see...(reaches for more drugs)  
  
Link: (looks at screen) Hey those squiddies out there seem to be playing catch.  
  
Neo: Hmm I know something about that, what is it...  
  
(Sentinels, having discovered the fun that occurs when they miss in catch, are now deliberating throwing the bombs. They throw one at the Neb)  
  
Neo: Oh yeah, they play catch with bombs. That's it. Wonder how I know that? (ponders)  
  
Trinity: It's heading straight for us! Abandon ship! Women first!  
  
Link: I have the most feminine hair on this ship - that makes it me! (leaps out of a window)  
  
(They all exit the ship and move away as fast as possible. The bomb hits and the Neb explodes in fiery glory)  
  
Trinity: (to Morpheus) Isn't this where you say something poetic like "I dreamed a dream and now that dream is taken from me?"  
  
Morpheus: (looking at remains of ship) CRAP! There were loads of prescription drugs still left on there. And my hat. Goddamit...  
  
Neo: Hey, look - more squiddies.  
  
(He lifts his hand to wave at them but electricity shoots out everywhere, disabling the investigating sentinels. He then collapses. Trinity checks his pulse and he is still alive, but in a coma)  
  
Trinity: Well that is new and interesting.  
  
Link: Look - that ship with the unpronounceable name that everyone just calls the Hammer!  
  
(They are taken aboard and Rolland tells them of the great success that the counterattack was)  
  
Mauser: An EMP was triggered. It wasn't a battle...it was a slaughter.  
  
Rolland: There was just one survivor...  
  
(Cut to Neo lying in his coma in the Infirmary, then sweep across to the bed on the left next to him)  
  
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!  
  
(The bed on the left next to Neo is empty. Damn. Pan across the other way to the bed on the right, to reveal Bane)  
  
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!  
  
* *  
  
Phew...DO NOT expect anymore parodiness any time soon or possibly at all. Typing is tiring (falls asleep) 


	3. Chapter 3 Pre Freeway Frolics

Bonjour! Aww my petite freeway scene parody has grown some more. The previous two chapters have covered Reloaded from the freeway scene to the end of the film, this chapter now covers from meeting Seraph to the beginning of the freeway scene. Understand? Oh well, I'm sure you will cope. Enjoy!  
  
*  
  
Disclaimer: My Koala legions have still not, erm, "dealt with" the copyright owners, so I still don't own the Matrix. All I have is Toby the glow in the dark duck. I ate the last lot of digestive biscuits I had with some fava beans and a nice chianti (makes hissing noise)  
  
**  
  
(Neo wanders through Chinatown, getting thoroughly lost. Hoping to ask for directions he knocks on a door and opens it. Seraph is inside, sitting cross-legged on a low stool eating a bowl of Coco Pops)  
  
Neo: Hi there, I'm kind of lost. You see I'm looking for this lady (holds his hand out) About yay high, likes giving out cryptic advice and cookies...  
  
Seraph: You seek the Oracle.  
  
Neo: Ah so you know her!  
  
Seraph: My name is Seraph, I am her PA and I can take you to her. But first I must apologize.  
  
Neo: Apologize for what?  
  
Seraph: For this.  
  
(Seraph whacks Neo over the head with his spoon)  
  
Neo: Oww! (rubs his head) Is this where you tell me there is no spoon, so it shouldn't hurt?  
  
Seraph: No, the Oracle has many enemies. I dispense justice with this spoon. That was for her vase. Now follow me, she is waiting.  
  
(He produces a key from his sleeve and unlocks the door. They pass through it into the shiny white corridor of many doors)  
  
Neo: What are they?  
  
Seraph: They are the Matrix equivalent of back doors into the system – programmer access.  
  
Neo: (blank)  
  
Seraph: They are magic doors.  
  
Neo: Oh, magic doors. Gotcha. Are you a programming-type person?  
  
Seraph: No, I protect that which matters most.  
  
Neo: (excited) You are the Guardian of Holy Chocolate Chip Digestives?! Wow! Can I get your autograph?  
  
Seraph: No, I protect the Oracle. She didn't mention that you would be this slow. Just go through this door here.  
  
*  
  
(Neo opens the door and emerges in a city park. The Oracle is sitting on a bench, feeding a couple of crows)  
  
Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite you.  
  
Neo: Up to you mentioning it, I hadn't considered you biting me an option, but now... (backs away slightly)  
  
Oracle: Heel! Now sit down there. Stay!  
  
(Neo sits on the bench next to her, still looking a bit concerned. The couple of crows have now been joined by several more, and a squirrel)  
  
Oracle: Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way.  
  
Neo: Er, well you don't seem to have any cookies on you this time.  
  
Oracle: That is true, but not what I was getting at. How about me not being human?  
  
Neo: You're not? Well what are you? A zombie?  
  
Oracle: (frowns) No I am not a zombie! Foolish boy. I am a program.  
  
Neo: You are? Like the Agents? Can you dodge bullets?  
  
Oracle: No.  
  
Neo: Aww, shame. I can stop them you know. It's because I'm special.  
  
Oracle: Well supposedly. Would you like some candy?  
  
Neo: Is it poison?  
  
Oracle: Unfortunately not.  
  
Neo: Well yes please then  
  
(Neo takes the sweet. The Oracle returns to feeding the small flock of birds and half a dozen squirrels now gathered around the bench)  
  
Neo: So why are you here?  
  
Oracle: They needed someone to do all the explaining again. Only some of us have copies of the script, we have to come along and make sure you lot are all heading in about the right direction.  
  
Neo: So you know what is going to happen in the future?  
  
Oracle: Well kid, I'm not called the Oracle for nothing.  
  
Neo: Oh. So what do I do next?  
  
Oracle: In about five seconds time you are going to choke on that candy.  
  
Neo: (shocked) I am? (starts to choke)  
  
Oracle: My powers amaze even myself sometimes.  
  
(Seraph comes along and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre on Neo)  
  
Neo: (coughing) Urgh, thanks...  
  
Oracle: Beyond that, you now have to go and find the Keymaker. He is being held captive by the Merovingian. He is always losing his keys so he thought the Keymaker would come in handy.  
  
Neo: So I have to go speak to the Mero... the Merovin, the Merovin... That guy, and collect this Keymaker. Then what?  
  
Oracle: The Keymaker will explain when you find him. He also has a copy of the script.  
  
(Seraph wades through the crowd of animals and birds surrounding the bench waiting to be fed, trying to shoo them away so he doesn't tread on them)  
  
Seraph: We must go, some of these rabbits are looking very hungry...  
  
Oracle: Well I must run, enjoy yourself. Good luck kiddo!  
  
(The leave through the "magic door". Neo suddenly hears footsteps behind him)  
  
Voice: Argh! Get off me, vicious rabbit!  
  
(Neo turns to see Agent Smith with a rabbit biting his ankle. He sends it flying and the rest of the birds and animals disperse)  
  
Smith: Stupid animals... (coughs) Now where was I? Oh yes. Mr Anderson! Did you get my package?  
  
Neo: Er, I may have done. There has been a big mix up at the post office you see...  
  
Smith: Well I have a certificate of postage, but that is besides the point. Are you surprised to see me?  
  
Neo: I am actually. Would it have killed you to call ahead? I already made plans or we could have gone for lunch.  
  
Smith: This is not a social call Mr Anderson. Are you aware of it?  
  
Neo: (suspicious) Of what?  
  
Smith: Our (does Dr Evil air quotes) "connection". I'm not sure how it happened, but it probably has something to do with the mean way you explodifed me. Anyway, it happened for a reason.  
  
Neo: What reason is that? Are we soul mates? Destined to be together? (sounds somewhat hopeful)  
  
Smith: I really, really doubt it.  
  
Neo: (a bit disappointed) Well it's probably for the best, Trin wouldn't be too pleased.  
  
Smith: Moving on; I killed you, I watched you die. With a certain satisfaction I might add. No, scratch that. With an enormous amount of satisfaction. Then you explodified me, which wasn't very nice. Now I am unplugged, a new man, apparently free. I now have a snazzier pair of sunglasses.  
  
Neo: Congratulations, but they aren't as snazzy as mine.  
  
Smith: Thank you, although I beg to differ. But we know that appearances can be deceiving. We are not here because we are free, we are here because we are not free.  
  
Neo: (blank)  
  
Smith: There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose.  
  
Neo: (blank)  
  
Smith: Because without purpose we would not exist.  
  
Neo: Er, could you run the "free" bit by me again? I got kind of lost around there...  
  
(A whole bunch of Smiths suddenly appear and circle Neo)  
  
Smith # 2: It is purpose that created us.  
  
Smith # 3: Purpose that connects us.  
  
Smith # 4: Purpose that pulls us.  
  
Smith # 5: Purpose that... Er... Damn, forgot my bit.  
  
Smith # 1: Anyway, we are here to take from you what you tried to take from us.  
  
Neo: (completely bemused) ...and that is?  
  
Smith # 1: Purpose. It was kind of the theme of our speech you know.  
  
(Smith # 1 sticks his hand into Neo's chest and starts to Smithify him)  
  
Neo: Ouch, that hurts quite a lot...  
  
Smith # 1: Don't be such a baby. It'll be over soon. Then you get the better, snazzier sunglasses.  
  
Neo: But I like my sunglasses!  
  
(Neo resists the Smithifying process, which reverses)  
  
Smith # 1: You just have to be uncooperative, don't you Mr Anderson? Smiths! Get him!  
  
(Cue Batman-style fight between Neo and all the Smiths. Every time a punch is thrown, captions appear such as Zap! Pow! Bam! Fub! and Veg! I would love to say that Neo got squished into teeny, tiny pieces, but alas he did not. Neo instead cheated and flew off just as it was getting interesting. Coward)  
  
Neo: Ha-ha! Can't get me! (hits lamp post on the way up) Ouch... (flies away)  
  
Smith # 1: That is cheating! Just you wait, I have my sources. I too shall fly one day! Muahaha!  
  
Smith # 2: Come on, there's only one more shopping day till Smitification!  
  
(The Smiths all leave to get their shopping done before they completely take over the Matrix)  
  
*  
  
(Back in Zion the council is meeting to discuss defence plans)  
  
Councillor Dillard: Well we don't really have any plans, so we are just going to leave the whole military thing all up to you.  
  
Lock: (nods) That seems the wisest course of action, councillor.  
  
Councillor Dillard: Oh, by the way, has there been any news from the Nebuchadnezzar recently? Morpheus owes us money.  
  
Lock: No councillor. Nothing since the carrier pigeon we sent to them got accidentally sucked into the engine of the Hammer.  
  
Councillor West: Then we request that another pigeon, or another ship, be sent to ascertain the state of Morpheus's finances and also perhaps the fate of the One.  
  
Lock: I wish that were possible Councillor, but I do not believe our defence can suffer the loss of another pigeon or a ship.  
  
Councillor West: It will if we say it will.  
  
Lock: It could take a single pigeon or ship days to locate them!  
  
Councillor West: Then send a flock of pigeons, or two ships.  
  
Lock: This is insane! Throwing away an entire flock of pigeons on a wild- Morpheus chase? Never.  
  
Councillor Dillard: Then send two ships. The captains are here, they can speak for themselves. Who will volunteer?  
  
Soren: (stands) Captain Soren of the Vigilant and my crew of other minor characters will answer the council's call.  
  
Councillor Dillard: Thank you captain. Is there another?  
  
(Everyone looks at the floor, crickets are heard chirping)  
  
Lock: It is hard for any man to risk his life, even to save pigeons, if he does not understand the reason.  
  
Niobe: (stands, annoyed) Well you guys are all just useless. Captain Niobe of the Logos and my crew of slightly-less-minor characters will answer the call.  
  
Councillor Dillard: Thank you captains, this council is adjourned.  
  
(Lock hurries over to Niobe)  
  
Lock: What are you doing?  
  
Niobe: What I can.  
  
Lock: Why?  
  
Niobe: Because some things never change Jason. Like your remarkably boring name for example. I am not putting any more pigeons at risk, even if I do have to speak to my ex.  
  
*  
  
(The Matrix: Morpheus is doing his salmon impression again, walking smoothly against the flow of pedestrians with Neo and Trinity in tow)  
  
Morpheus: (sings) We are off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz...  
  
Neo: We are going to see a wizard? Is this going to be like in Harry Potter?  
  
Trinity: Morpheus, stop confusing him! No Neo, we are going to a French restaurant.  
  
Neo: Why? Is it our anniversary? Damn I forgot again... and why is Morpheus coming on our date?  
  
Trinity: It's not a date, it's to see the Merovingian.  
  
Neo: (blank look)  
  
Morpheus: Creepy French dude the Oracle told you to go see.  
  
Neo: Oh... good.  
  
(The reach the building and get into the lift)  
  
Random Man: (running up) Hey! Hold the doors!  
  
Morpheus: Why of course (smiles gappily at him)  
  
Random Man: Argh! Er, maybe I'll take the stairs... (backs away)  
  
Morpheus: Suit yourself  
  
Trinity: (quietly to herself) Now why didn't I do that when I first met Morpheus.  
  
(The lift moves swiftly upwards while Neo examines the code of the building)  
  
Neo: It's strange, the code is somehow different.  
  
Morpheus: Encrypted?  
  
Neo: Maybe... it is pink.  
  
Trinity: Is that good for us or bad for us?  
  
Neo: Well, pink certainly isn't my colour.  
  
Morpheus: I agree – it doesn't go with your lovely eyes.  
  
(Trinity gives him an odd look. They then arrive on floor 101 and walk over to the Maitre d')  
  
Maitre d': Puis-je vous aider?  
  
Morpheus: (tapping at his tie pin) My universal translator seems to be malfunctioning...  
  
Trinity: Morpheus, that is a tie pin.  
  
Morpheus: (coughs) Of course, I knew that.  
  
Maitre d': (sighs) Can I help you?  
  
Morpheus: Yes, a table for three please. Non-smoking.  
  
Trinity: (exasperated) We are here to see the Merovingian.  
  
Maitre d': Of course, I was warned... I mean, we were expecting you. Follow me.  
  
*  
  
(They follow him through the restaurant, noticing an Indian man being dragged out of a side door)  
  
Indian man: (desperately shouting) But she is so annoying! Please just let us dump her on the Oracle! Please! Oww, let go of my arm... (is thrown out)  
  
(They are led up to the top table, where the Merovingian is sitting along with Persephone. You shall just have to imagine the over the top accents)  
  
Mero: Ah, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right?  
  
Neo: Yes, I am special.  
  
Mero: But of course you are. And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course, si belle qu'elle me fait vomoir.  
  
Trinity: (suspicious) What did he just say?  
  
Mero: (pervy grin) Please sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone.  
  
Persephone: How lovely to meet you (starts mentally drooling over Neo)  
  
Neo: The pleasure is ours (starts physically drooling over Persephone)  
  
Trinity: Charmed, I'm sure (treads heavily on Neo's foot)  
  
Neo: Oww... (stops drooling)  
  
Mero: Something to drink? Château Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French wine, like I love the French language, fantastic to curse with. Votre mère était un hamster, et votre père senti comme des baies de sureau! You see it is like wiping your arse with silk. I love it.  
  
Morpheus: (slightly disturbed) Well moving on, you know why we are here.  
  
Mero: I am a trafficker of information, I know everything I can. For example I know that Neo here once owned a My Little Pony named Princess Sparkle which he lost when he was nine.  
  
Neo: (sobs) It's true! My poor Princess...  
  
Mero: The question is, do you know why you are here?  
  
Morpheus: We are looking for the Keymaker.  
  
Neo: And the heartless monster that stole Princess Sparkle!  
  
Mero: The Keymaker is but a means to an end. A means to do – what?  
  
Morpheus: Er, well we were hoping to just find him and make the rest up as we go along. It is rumoured he has a copy of the script, so that should help.  
  
Mero: (sighs) You are here because you were told to come here, and you obeyed like the good trained monkeys you are. Causality. Action, reaction. Cause and effect.  
  
Morpheus: Everything begins with choice.  
  
Mero: No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion.  
  
Neo: Like when magicians saw people in half?  
  
Mero: (ignoring him) Look over there, at that woman. My God just look at her... (another pervy grin) I have sent her a special desert.  
  
(The waiter goes over with the slice of chocolate cake)  
  
Woman: No thanks, I'm on a diet.  
  
(Cake is taken away, uneaten)  
  
Mero: Hmm, that didn't go quite according to plan... Anyway, slaves to causality, without the why you are powerless, etc etc. The point is, you have nothing I want so clear off and tell the fortune teller to keep her nose out of my business.  
  
Neo: This isn't over. You still haven't told me who stole Princess Sparkle.  
  
Mero: No one did you foolish boy. You buried your toy in the garden while playing "Buried Treasure" then forgot where.  
  
Neo: Oh, I remember now...  
  
Mero: The Keymaker is mine and you are not having him. Now I will bid you adieu.  
  
Persephone: Where are you going?  
  
Mero: Please ma chérie, we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, now I must go to the petit-garçon's room. Au revior (leaves to go meet with the Woman in pink, who was easy enough to not actually need the cake anyway)  
  
Trinity: Did we really need to know that?  
  
(The miscellaneous henchmen and the Twins who have been standing nearby move to escort them from the restaurant)  
  
Trinity: Touch me and I shall rip off your arm and beat you to death with it.  
  
Henchman # 1: (offended) Well now there is no need to just be rude.  
  
*  
  
(They are ushered along back to the lift. Twin One makes a kissing motion towards Trinity, who tries to give him her phone number, but the doors close before she can)  
  
Trinity: Damn, and he was hot too...  
  
Neo: Hey! I'm right here you know.  
  
Trinity: Oh come on, you were practically drowning in your own drool over Merv's slutty wife back there. Did you see what she was wearing? Ho.  
  
Neo: (dreamily) I wouldn't say it was her clothes that got my attention... (is slapped by Trinity) Ouch!  
  
Morpheus: Now, now children.  
  
(The lift door opens to reveal Persephone)  
  
Trinity: (to herself) Speak of the hussy...  
  
Persephone: If you want the Keymaker, follow me.  
  
(They are led by her through to the men's bathroom. The one man in there takes one look at them, then decides he has had to much to drink and quickly leaves)  
  
Persephone: I am going to be frank with you. I think my husband is an arrogant prick, while you on the other hand... (she gazes at Neo) Purr!  
  
Trinity: (displeased) Excuse me, he is spoken for. Arranged by fate and everything.  
  
(Neo looks disheartened at this)  
  
Persephone: I will give you what you want, but first I want a kiss.  
  
(Morpheus goes as if to kiss her)  
  
Persephone: Urgh! Not you! From this fine hunk of a man here, Neo.  
  
(They leap at each other and start passionately kissing, but Trinity is facing the other way and does not notice)  
  
Trinity: No way, we can still get the Keymaker somehow. Maybe the Oracle...  
  
Morpheus: Er, Trinity? He's already kissing her.  
  
Trinity: Neo! You two-timing weasel!  
  
(Neo and Persephone take no notice, being somewhat occupied. After waiting for several minutes for them to stop, Morpheus and Trinity go and sit down against the wall. More time passes, and Morpheus has started playing solitaire while Trinity is still giving the pair evil looks. They finally break apart, breathing heavily)  
  
Persephone: Well, I will certainly give you the Keymaker now!  
  
Morpheus: Good work Neo (pats him on the back)  
  
Neo: Thanks... (looks like he is about to collapse)  
  
(Trinity just glares at him and stalks off after Persephone. They pass through one of the backdoors and into the chateau. Persephone opens a door and surprises Cain and Abel)  
  
Persephone: Relax boys, they are with me. These fellas work for my husband. They do his dirty work.  
  
Neo: (avoiding meeting Trinity's eyes) They are cleaners?  
  
Persephone: No, his dirty work. The more illegal side of things. They come from a much earlier version of the Matrix. They are very good, very loyal. Aren't you boys?  
  
Cain & Abel: Yes mistress...(both trying to follow the film still running behind her head)  
  
Persephone: They are useful as they are notoriously difficult to terminate. How many people keep silver bullets in their guns? Well me for a start.  
  
(She shoots Abel in the head, Cain looks somewhat startled at this)  
  
Persephone: You can either run to the restaurant and tell my husband what I have done, or you can stay there and die.  
  
Cain: (considers this) Erm, what was the first option again?  
  
(She shoots a lamp standing next to him and he runs off)  
  
Persephone: (shouting after him) He's in the ladies room!  
  
Neo: What's he doing in there?  
  
Trinity: (still annoyed) You will never find out from me if you keep gazing at her like that.  
  
(Neo, still confused, follows the others through the secret door hidden imaginatively in a bookcase. The end up in a stereotypical dungeon outside the cell where the Keymaker is being kept. Neo opens the door)  
  
Neo: My name is Neo.  
  
Keymaker: I know, I have the script. I am the Keymaker.  
  
Morpheus: (looking at the walls) I like what you have done with the place. Keys are very this-season.  
  
Keymaker: Thank you, I thought they went well with the general damp and decrepitude of the place.  
  
*  
  
(The group are just leaving the chateau when the Merovingian and assorted henchmen burst through the doors)  
  
Mero: Oh God, my God, Persephone how could you do this, you betrayed me! Espèce de con! Tu appeler stupide serait une insulte aux personnes stupides!  
  
Persephone: Cause and effect my love.  
  
Mero: Cause? There is no cause for this. What cause?  
  
Persephone: How about the lipstick you are wearing?  
  
Mero: Lipstick? What lipstick? (wipes mouth) There is no lipstick.  
  
Persephone: She wasn't kissing your face my love.  
  
(There is general sniggering at this, even Trinity looks quite impressed. Neo still looks confused)  
  
Neo: I don't get it.  
  
Mero: (now bright red) What do you have x-ray vision or something? This is nothing, this is only a game.  
  
Persephone: So is this. Ten points to me. Have fun (she leaves)  
  
Mero: All right, let us see where this goes. You two (he gestures to the Twins) get the Keymaker.  
  
One: What's the magic word?  
  
Mero: Do it or I'll have you recompiled.  
  
Two: That's more than one word, but okay...  
  
(The Twins phase and go all ghost-like)  
  
One: (to Two) We need to renegotiate our contracts.  
  
Two: The recompiling-at-will clause was a bad move on our part.  
  
One: Well we insisted on the cable TV, didn't we?  
  
Two: We like "When Good Pets Go Bad". Is that so wrong?  
  
(They sink into the floor, still arguing)  
  
Keymaker: I can't go back! It's not in the script! (runs off)  
  
Neo: (to the others) I'll handle them, you go look after him.  
  
Trinity: Don't go near slut-woman again. Or else (leaves)  
  
Morpheus: (running after her) Key-making guy! Come back!  
  
Mero: Handle us? You know your predecessors had much more respect.  
  
(Neo completely fails to notice the mentioning of previous versions of the One, but is slightly distracted by Mero's henchmen firing quite a lot of ammunition at him. He stops all the bullets while trying to think what important point he just missed, but can't remember)  
  
Neo: (ignoring bullets) Damn, he said something important I know it...  
  
(The henchmen run out of bullets to fire and Neo notices them again)  
  
Neo: Oops... (lets bullets fall to the ground)  
  
Mero: Okay, you have some skill, (to henchmen) kill him.  
  
(There follows another cool fight scene in which the henchmen mainly manage to kill each other in various ways. I always feel sorry for the one dressed in white, since they seem completely useless and do die in quite a painful looking fashion. Once this is done, Neo looks around at the damage they have caused)  
  
Neo: Good job all this is just code, some of that stuff looks expensive.  
  
Mero: Damn it, woman, you will be the end of me. Mark my words, boy, and mark them well. I have survived your predecessors, and I will survive you! (stalks off)  
  
Neo: (thinking) Hmm, it's almost like he is trying to tell me something, but what is it?  
  
(Mero opens the main doors back into the restaurant. Neo follows him hoping to ask what he meant with such a cryptic remark, but he opens the door to mountains)  
  
Neo: Was that there earlier? I can't remember now...  
  
(He rings Link)  
  
Neo: Link, where am I?  
  
Link: You are not going to believe this, but you are all the way up in the mountains.  
  
Neo: (slightly sarcastic) Wow I would never have guessed that without your help there. Anyway, where are Trin and Morpheus?  
  
Link: The middle of the city, 500 miles due south  
  
(Neo gathers his focus then shoots off into the sky at an amazing rate)  
  
Link: No, your other south!  
  
(He shoots back in the opposite direction)  
  
**  
  
You never know at some point I might actually finish this! I may then even put it in the proper order so it doesn't start with the middle and finish with the beginning. You never know. Mero's French has been altered slightly, a digestive to those who work out where his first cursing comes from! 


End file.
